23 A collection of texts 2018-2020
I saw a dream in a dream.
I saw a dream in a dream once,
in which I was seeing a dream
in a dream and I woke up
in a dream.
The door is locked.
Are you sure you locked the door? The door is locked. Are you sure you locked the door? The door is unlocked. I locked the door. You didn’t lock the door. Are you sure you locked the door? I locked the door. The door is unlocked. I locked the door. You forgot to lock the door. I locked the door. Is the door locked? I locked the door. Are you sure you locked the door? The locked is door. I locked the door. You locked the door? I locked the door! Are you sure the door is locked? The door is locked. I locked the door! I locked the door. You locked the door. The door is unlocked.
A hwoel
Do you remember? you asked and I said I have no memory, you said your only power is memory, I said what do you remember?, a hole you told me, a hole or a whole? I asked, you said a whole, a hoe ,a hwole, what?, a hwoe, what hole, a whole?, W–Hole, W – H – O – L – E, a hole in the whole, what?, a hoe, what?, a hwloe you idiot, a hwloe in the door, a owlee behind the door, a hwloe outside the door, I don’t remember which words were yours and which were mine, our voices merged, a hole, a w-hole, a door, memory, you said memory, what do you remember, holes, wholes, wholes, loew, wloes,hsoles, hsoels, I remember, sehsols, sowless, s olwess slwehs lhsew,I remember I remember wshels wles hles oles woelsdwol es
If you really want it
Go on, leave this unfinished as well, you don’t really want it anyway.
If you really want it..., I hear them say in a lecture supposed to prepare us for our post-graduate future as starving artists, If you really want it..., I hear them say from the day I was born, in the schools, in the neighbourhood, in talks, in trainings, in universities and I see people who seem to want it, people who devote their whole lives to all short of things and I wonder why, I wonder how they do it, how do they persuade themselves that it is worth it, how do they really want it?
Why is it always so difficult for you to start? she asked me once, after waiting in vain for me to start talking at one of our weekly appointments in the room 4 of the 4rth floor. I wish there was a question I replied around one year later.
What is one’s life if not a mere reply and to what to reply to if there is no question, I wonder, another year later.
A person who does
I don’t have time for everything, I’d like to learn but I’m a person who does she told me and left me alone with my books. A person who does, I repeated to her when I met her again a few years later, the secret is to learn, she whispered seeming certain when I was not.
Sushhhhh
Sushhhhh, I wisper so that noone would listen,
sushhh, cause if they hear you
they’re gonna throw me out.
You’ll die
I want to get outside it tells me
Shut up and die I tell it
I’ll get outside it tells me
You’ll die I tell it
Bull's Shit
I fell in love with a 50 year old woman for 3 weeks. You said I am not my dad and I laughed. You are not a dentist, you are an artist, you told me. I think you are funny sometimes. My dad’s type is Merkel. It is 4am and I’m drawing hands that are opening doors. I’ve already started thinking of ways to cheat on this. What makes a drawing a drawing? I love cheating. I wonder how I got myself into this. I wonder how many more bullshits I’m gonna do in this life. I just realized that bullshit means the shit of a bull. I remember my amazement when I found out that the Greek verb “working” is the same
with the Greek verb “slaving”. I wanna work at a pub. I wonder for how long I’m gonna be a failure. God told me to have faith. People at the studio think I am a liar. I don’t believe anything that you say any more, you told me. Mum came to see my performance this Summer and she told me actors are liars and you are not.
Kill them all
You were filling a huge bag with knives in the dark when you saw me looking, Someone killed my dad you muttered, We have to take revenge, to train ourselves, Start from the gardener, Kill them all you ordered and non of us was scared.
From my own hands
I arrived at the moment you ran towards our mum and cut her head off like it was a piece of cake, you then ran into a dark room, I held my breath, You are safe, there is no way she can see you I told me and you ran out of the room and you stopped in front of me and the world darkened and all that was left was you, me and your enormous gun. So in fact, you could see me.
Could I go from my own hands?
The shit were many
In reality she shits her pants he said, and no one believed him not even me and once I couldn’t control it and I shitted in a toilet and the shit were so many that poured outside and scattered all over the world the universe and you came and told me it’s alright I’ll help you cover them and you promised no one will ever notice but someone’s figured out and threatens to tell everyone and you are not around.
And I laughed
I felt I was going to cry, oh God I would cry, I couldn’t help it, I felt her looking at me and I imagined her thinking, Oh my God this moving misery will cry again, and I saw both of us from the outside and I saw my face desperately trying to hold on the tears and I saw her thoughts, Cry once more and I’ll punch your face they told me, and all of a sudden this seemed funny, so funny I started laughing like an idiot, a nervous unstopable laugh and then I thought oh my god she’s gonna think I’m completely crazy and then I found the situation even more funny and I laughed and I laughed and I laughed and I said Sorry I just thought it was funny and then thought it was more funny but I still couldn’t stop and she laughed a bit as well and I remembered of that dream that I was crying of my kitty that died alone and I suddenly started laughing and I woke up from laughter, cause the bed was laughing with me and the whole universe started laughing and hahaha hahaah what a joke, what a masquerade and hahaha what a loser I am and hahah what a parody and we laughed and laughed and laughed and it was nice it was really nice to get away from our problems and to realize that everything is a fucking joke for once, that our lives are useless, contributions to knowledge and κουραφέξαλα, we’ll all die in the end, how stupid I am to forget the joke, and haha haha and then I go on instagram and I’m not laughing any more, the joke is over, people are getting on well whilst I am laughing on my own, I’ve lost my chains again whilst they are trying to get rid of their own, we want to be free they say, oh please, give me your chains and tie me to your world cause I get carried away and I float and I float and I float in between, always in between and I don’t belong and I am free and what to do with so much freedom if not getting completely lost?
Personal art is naive
Personal art is naïve he told me and my heart darkened, my day was already ruined, maybe my week, maybe my life. Naïve is to think that any kind of art is not personal I wanted to shout at him, and to the world, but I smiled instead, I said It depends how you contextualize it, and I got sad and I got bored ,bored of talking and not saying anything, bored of being scared, bored of this world, bored of myself.
It was the annual carnival and we were still students at school when a gipsy woman showed off some magic tricks and we got impressed. You give me 50 euros and your wish will become true, she told us, and then I’ll give it back to you. We laughed at her, how stupid you think we are? But you need to be willing to trust a stranger. Uhhh, what a challenge I thought, let’s trust a stranger, me who does not trust even myself, ok, I said, but seems that my money weren’t enough to make her day and she asked to hear our wishes out loud as well, just to be able to entertain herself a bit more, and our answers popped out of our innocent hearts and my friend wished to fall in love, and I wished to have fun, and the gipsy made a trick and the money disappeared and I got mad and I grabbed her hand and I opened her fingers one by one and took my money back, come on she said, it will come back to you when your wish will be fulfilled, and I told her, I’ll fulfill my wish myself, I don’t need you and my friend agreed and we run and laughed at our naivety and more than thirteen years passed and she still isn’t in love and I am definitely not having any fun. And we don’t laugh at our naivety anymore;
We are ashamed of it.
I had once stolen a knife
I stole a knife once and tried to cross a forest in the dark but I lost my path, how banal I am at heart, Damn God, where to go? I shouted and you both grabbed my hands at once and I suddenly saw you, how tremendous you both are, and refusing to look at each other but in one voice, you both said, Eleni, someone has to die, and I repeated, Eleni, someone has to die, and the universe repeated, Eleni, someone has to die, and everything had a mouth now and repeated with us, Eleni, someone has to die, and you both started pulling, You’ll cut me in two you idiots I said but all I got back was Eleni, someone has to die, and I suddenly remembered, I had once stolen a knife.
I don’t understand
I don’t understand, I don’t understand!, you shouted, What do I have to do, you asked me in despair, Tell me what I have to do and I’ll do it, I looked at you as your whole existence was hanging from my mouth for a moment, Don’t worry, I replied, There is nothing to understand. You will die soon, my love, much sooner than you think of, and then Death, much stronger than God, will ask you as he will be sucking up your soul:
Do you finally get it?