And I Laughed

I felt I was going to cry, oh God I would cry, I couldn’t help it, I felt her looking at me and I imagined her thinking, Oh my God this moving misery will cry again, and I saw both of us from the outside and I saw my face desperately trying to hold on the tears and I saw her thoughts, Cry once more and I’ll punch your face they told me, and all of a sudden this seemed funny, so funny I started laughing like an idiot, a nervous unstopable laugh and then I thought oh my god she’s gonna think I’m completely crazy and then I found the situation even more funny and I laughed and I laughed and I laughed and I said Sorry I just thought it was funny and then thought it was more funny but I still couldn’t stop and she laughed a bit as well and I remembered of that dream that I was crying of my kitty that died alone and I suddenly started laughing and I woke up from laughter, cause the bed was laughing with me and the whole universe started laughing and hahaha hahaah what a joke, what a masquerade and hahaha what a loser I am and hahah what a parody and we laughed and laughed and laughed and it was nice it was really nice to get away from our problems and to realize that everything is a fucking joke for once, that our lives are useless, contributions to knowledge and κουραφέξαλα, we’ll all die in the end, how stupid I am to forget the joke, and haha haha and then I go on instagram and I’m not laughing any more, the joke is over, people are getting on well whilst I am laughing on my own, I’ve lost my chains again whilst they are trying to get rid of their own, we want to be free they say, oh please, give me your chains and tie me to your world cause I get carried away and I float and I float and I float in between, always in between and I don’t belong and I am free and what to do with so much freedom if not getting completely lost?

And I laughed, unpublished text, Eleni Tomadaki, 2019